depression described

i'm somewhere beneath the waves. my companions have tossed me overboard but only for my own good- or so they say. i might be in the innards of a fish, or a submarine, or I might be dead. there is no light in this tomb. there is no hope. i am in darkness. darkness. dark is my heart and dark is my mind. three days, you say. but three days are a thousand years. the sun will blind me. the salt will burn my skin. these are the bowels of loneliness and the depths of sorrow or the innards of a fish or the dregs of death. pray for me. pray that i may once again survive being vomited onto the sand.

out of limbo

Easter came! Jesus is alive and well and doing fine.
Now that's good news.

out of limbo

Easter came! Jesus is alive and well and doing fine.
Now that's good news.

in limbo

it's the day after good friday and the day before easter. it's the day the disciples stayed hidden away in the dark places of the city for fear of their own crucifixion. it's the day that many debate: was Jesus in hell preaching to folks or was he dead or was he hanging out somewhere in the cosmos?
it's saturday. we are waiting "in limbo." will the darkness remain forever?
will easter ever come?

free coffee and chiropractors

i've had this recent back issue. well, i've had back issues since giving birth but recently it has been a piercing pain in my right hip. so i found this amazing chiropractor. i'm putting in a plug here because if anyone needs chiropractic work, you need to try this place. here's the website: arikabrownchiropractic.com Arika is the doctor and she's amazing. she brings her little dog, Angelo into the office. he likes when you throw his little toys around the office for him to retrieve. she has an incredible massage therapist who works with her: Janell Davis. She goes beyond a "relaxing" massage to get to the core of pain. sometimes i'm yelling at her but she keeps working out the knots in my muscles to take care of the pain. Janell also brings her little fat beagle to the office- Belle. they will work on your pet if you bring them to the office and she works on children under the age of 10 for free. okay, so if you go, tell them i sent you and i get a free massage :)
today, Janell said that my right shoulder was a knotted mess. it seems that i literally try to carry the world on my shoulders and that is where all of my stress becomes lodged. so she encourages me to keep my shoulders down and de-stress more regularly. try yoga, she said. today is earth day and starbucks was giving away free coffee so after my chiro appointment i headed to starbucks for a little de-stressing in action. i met sarah and charis for some friendship chat and free coffee. now we're gonna watch a family movie and eat pizza. happy good friday.

good intentions

it is Maundy Thursday. this is my favorite week of the year and i haven't given much thought to it yet. the passions of Christ. the foreknowledge of His death. the betrayal and loneliness. the agony and torture. His sorrow. this morning during our family devotions we read about peter denying the Lord. he denied Him three times. he said, "no... i don't even know who Jesus is!" (which was so obviously a lie because EVERYONE in that town knew Jesus or at least knew who He was). the rooster crowed and peter wept bitterly.
peter: so vulnerable and raw. i love this guy. he reminds me of me. and i know that this is a reason why Jesus loved peter. he had such a good heart and such real intentions. he really wanted to follow after and die for Jesus. he really wanted to please the Lord and be a good man... but he was scared.
after Jesus was arrested all of the other disciples scattered. peter, at least, followed Jesus from a distance and watched to see what would happen. i'm much like that. i'll follow from a distance and watch Jesus but i'm not sure i actually want to be doing what Jesus is doing. i don't really want to die. i don't really want to be around highly annoying people- like peter. or like myself.

waste not

last night "hospitality" walked into our house. His name is Brandon. He is 26 years old and has been traveling for four and a half years. He has traveled to seven different countries and has no desire to stop traveling. He has an associate's degree in Science, he used to work at Ace Hardware. He has a brother that is 18 months older than him that he loves like crazy and would "definitely die for." He grew up in California and tries to get back there every few years. He carries a tattered letter in his wallet from a girl he met in Florida. She traveled with him to Arizona and decided to stay there. He had to be traveling on so she sent him away with this love letter. She loves her "traveling man." He loves the best and most random music you ever would hear. Deep morals and a high conscience drive him. Some of his best meals have been from dumpsters. He has incredible stories.
Last night I saw him dig half-smoked cigarettes from the "butt-tray" at church. He tried to light one and burned off the eyelashes on his left eye. Laughing, he gave up that attempt, brought out a cigarette paper, dumped the tobacco out of the remaining cigarettes and rolled a fresh one.
This afternoon, he ate steak.

midnight thoughts

Waking around 3 AM I had this thought: "The Sermon on the Mount is like the snow on Mario Kart." In my groggy state I sorta giggled at the silliness of that thought and went back to sleep. Yet the thought stayed with me. In the morning it was still there. Like Mary, I pondered this in my heart and contemplated on what that might mean to me. What snow on Mario Kart? I really didn't even remember a race where there was falling snow. I mean honestly, my only clear recollections of Mario Kart racing at all are the scenes where I am racing frantically over a ravine or an abyss or over the side of "Rainbow Road," - into the dark space of nothingness...
and then I remembered.
I can't even tell you what race it is but there is one scene where the racers all plummet over moguls and hills to a pathway thick with white snow. The pathway has a clear snow-free lane but unless you are a pro racer like my sons, you will plow headfirst into a thick wall of snow. When this happens, the vehicle slows to a mild crawl and the other racers fly by- whooping, laughing, yelling Mario-Land obscenities. So what does this have to do with the Sermon on the Mount? This morning during Pastor Steve's sermon I made the connection. Jesus is the "stone that makes them stumble and the rock that makes them fall." His words were "refreshing" to some and "blasphemous" to others. Of anything that I may read in the gospels, the Sermon on the Mount is the "snow" that slows me down. It is the teaching that gives me pause. It is the pill that is hard to swallow (if I may run with other metaphors) and the rumble-strip that wakes me up. It is my greatest conviction. On this road of life, I am running the race with agility and speed. When I peruse the Gospels, I read with ease and acceptance. When I come to the Sermon on the Mount, I am aware of my need for life-change. The snow sticks on my wheels and I slow down. I hear the words of Jesus, I look into His "upside-down" gospel, I realize the space between the example He set and the life that I live.
It slows me down... but that's a good thing.
I may not come in first place in this race. I can choose the snow-free lane. But I can also choose to run into the snow, be slowed down, and contemplate my next race.