no fishing for naught

From God Calling:

“Against The Tide. The oarsman, trusting in Me, does not lean on his oars and drift with the tide, trusting to the current.

Nay, more often - once I have shown the way - it is against the tide you must direct all your effort. And even when difficulties come, it is by your effort that they will be surmounted. But always strength and the Joy in the doing you can have through Me.

My fishermen-disciples did not find the fishes ready on the shore in their nets. I take man's efforts and bless that. I need man's effort - he needs My blessing. This partnership it is that means success.”

For it is God who works in you- both to will and to do his good pleasure. Philippians 2:13

I like that… the disciples did not find the fishes ready on the shore in their nets. Are we not angry with God for making life hard?! Did it not fail to mention that the disciples had already been fishing all night? They had lowered their nets again and again, pulling up sunken logs, spiny sour fish, and whatever other worthless item was dredged off the floor of the sea. They were tired and spent. They were angry. They knew their families would be disappointed. They would receive no pay that day.

So Jesus calls them at their most exhausted moment to get up and try again. Try again!

A friend of mine recently told me her hesitation about therapy. It’s so hard, she said. I’m afraid of the process. I’m afraid of what will come out of me. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to walk that path, to drink that cup of sorrow. She’s right. The path to healing is definitely not easy or fun. It is that striving against the current and pushing upstream against the tide. It is that agony of soul- fishing hour after hour with no results, feeling the disappointment of everyone around. Yet it is with that striving that the Lord strengthens the broken and restores the wounded soul. He uses the pain to create character.

If you remember the story, Jesus asks the men on the shore if they are willing to give it another go. He tells them to go out onto the sea one more time. By this time their nets were mended and clean, their boat was docked, and all necessary surrender paperwork had been signed. Whatever Jesus said, it worked. They were prompted to drag the nets back onboard, untie the boat, and sail off to wherever Jesus led. Their nets were lowered, the fish jumped in, and the men could hardly lift their large catch.

It’s a lesson. Jesus is building their character for the struggle they would face someday. Jesus would die. They would put away their nets and dock their boat. Surrender. Then Jesus would come to them at their most exhausted moment and call them to get up and try again. Try again! He would make them “fishers of men” and their nets would almost burst for the catch they would haul in.

Struggle against the pain. If you are exhausted, get up and try again. It will be worth it, my friend.

the best of egypt

"you make plans that are contrary to my will. you weave a web of plans that are not from my Spirit, thus piling up your sins. for without consulting me, you have gone down to Egypt to find help. you have put your trust in Pharaoh for his protection." Isaiah 30:1-2

my family was starving. the fields were bare from gleaning. the last chicken was last night's supper. i wake every morning before the sun's alarm and wait for an answer. i'm not sure where the answer will come from but i feel confident. today i saw the chariots and horses along the road. the gold on their wheels shone in the rising sun. they were heading to Egypt.
they were heading to Egypt.
so i went to Egypt. my family was starving.
i met the governor briefly- long enough for an explanation of our famine and a ration assignment. that was enough.
i have put my trust in Egypt. i have put my trust in Pharaoh.
returning home with my bags heavily laden. i heave them onto the ground for the children to open. now our family will survive, our children will eat to their fill.
the women open the bags and fill the feed troughs with the chocolate that melts in the hot sun. the tables are set, the meal prepared. we slice into the gummy worms and chew down one chewy bite after another. the Pharaoh has been kind. he has filled our bags with the best he has to offer- chocolate bars, candy, and frosted cakes. tonight we will eat well.

"But in trusting Pharaoh, you will be humiliated and disgraced... Egypt's promises are worthless."

depression described

i'm somewhere beneath the waves. my companions have tossed me overboard but only for my own good- or so they say. i might be in the innards of a fish, or a submarine, or I might be dead. there is no light in this tomb. there is no hope. i am in darkness. darkness. dark is my heart and dark is my mind. three days, you say. but three days are a thousand years. the sun will blind me. the salt will burn my skin. these are the bowels of loneliness and the depths of sorrow or the innards of a fish or the dregs of death. pray for me. pray that i may once again survive being vomited onto the sand.

out of limbo

Easter came! Jesus is alive and well and doing fine.
Now that's good news.

out of limbo

Easter came! Jesus is alive and well and doing fine.
Now that's good news.

in limbo

it's the day after good friday and the day before easter. it's the day the disciples stayed hidden away in the dark places of the city for fear of their own crucifixion. it's the day that many debate: was Jesus in hell preaching to folks or was he dead or was he hanging out somewhere in the cosmos?
it's saturday. we are waiting "in limbo." will the darkness remain forever?
will easter ever come?

free coffee and chiropractors

i've had this recent back issue. well, i've had back issues since giving birth but recently it has been a piercing pain in my right hip. so i found this amazing chiropractor. i'm putting in a plug here because if anyone needs chiropractic work, you need to try this place. here's the website: arikabrownchiropractic.com Arika is the doctor and she's amazing. she brings her little dog, Angelo into the office. he likes when you throw his little toys around the office for him to retrieve. she has an incredible massage therapist who works with her: Janell Davis. She goes beyond a "relaxing" massage to get to the core of pain. sometimes i'm yelling at her but she keeps working out the knots in my muscles to take care of the pain. Janell also brings her little fat beagle to the office- Belle. they will work on your pet if you bring them to the office and she works on children under the age of 10 for free. okay, so if you go, tell them i sent you and i get a free massage :)
today, Janell said that my right shoulder was a knotted mess. it seems that i literally try to carry the world on my shoulders and that is where all of my stress becomes lodged. so she encourages me to keep my shoulders down and de-stress more regularly. try yoga, she said. today is earth day and starbucks was giving away free coffee so after my chiro appointment i headed to starbucks for a little de-stressing in action. i met sarah and charis for some friendship chat and free coffee. now we're gonna watch a family movie and eat pizza. happy good friday.

good intentions

it is Maundy Thursday. this is my favorite week of the year and i haven't given much thought to it yet. the passions of Christ. the foreknowledge of His death. the betrayal and loneliness. the agony and torture. His sorrow. this morning during our family devotions we read about peter denying the Lord. he denied Him three times. he said, "no... i don't even know who Jesus is!" (which was so obviously a lie because EVERYONE in that town knew Jesus or at least knew who He was). the rooster crowed and peter wept bitterly.
peter: so vulnerable and raw. i love this guy. he reminds me of me. and i know that this is a reason why Jesus loved peter. he had such a good heart and such real intentions. he really wanted to follow after and die for Jesus. he really wanted to please the Lord and be a good man... but he was scared.
after Jesus was arrested all of the other disciples scattered. peter, at least, followed Jesus from a distance and watched to see what would happen. i'm much like that. i'll follow from a distance and watch Jesus but i'm not sure i actually want to be doing what Jesus is doing. i don't really want to die. i don't really want to be around highly annoying people- like peter. or like myself.

waste not

last night "hospitality" walked into our house. His name is Brandon. He is 26 years old and has been traveling for four and a half years. He has traveled to seven different countries and has no desire to stop traveling. He has an associate's degree in Science, he used to work at Ace Hardware. He has a brother that is 18 months older than him that he loves like crazy and would "definitely die for." He grew up in California and tries to get back there every few years. He carries a tattered letter in his wallet from a girl he met in Florida. She traveled with him to Arizona and decided to stay there. He had to be traveling on so she sent him away with this love letter. She loves her "traveling man." He loves the best and most random music you ever would hear. Deep morals and a high conscience drive him. Some of his best meals have been from dumpsters. He has incredible stories.
Last night I saw him dig half-smoked cigarettes from the "butt-tray" at church. He tried to light one and burned off the eyelashes on his left eye. Laughing, he gave up that attempt, brought out a cigarette paper, dumped the tobacco out of the remaining cigarettes and rolled a fresh one.
This afternoon, he ate steak.

midnight thoughts

Waking around 3 AM I had this thought: "The Sermon on the Mount is like the snow on Mario Kart." In my groggy state I sorta giggled at the silliness of that thought and went back to sleep. Yet the thought stayed with me. In the morning it was still there. Like Mary, I pondered this in my heart and contemplated on what that might mean to me. What snow on Mario Kart? I really didn't even remember a race where there was falling snow. I mean honestly, my only clear recollections of Mario Kart racing at all are the scenes where I am racing frantically over a ravine or an abyss or over the side of "Rainbow Road," - into the dark space of nothingness...
and then I remembered.
I can't even tell you what race it is but there is one scene where the racers all plummet over moguls and hills to a pathway thick with white snow. The pathway has a clear snow-free lane but unless you are a pro racer like my sons, you will plow headfirst into a thick wall of snow. When this happens, the vehicle slows to a mild crawl and the other racers fly by- whooping, laughing, yelling Mario-Land obscenities. So what does this have to do with the Sermon on the Mount? This morning during Pastor Steve's sermon I made the connection. Jesus is the "stone that makes them stumble and the rock that makes them fall." His words were "refreshing" to some and "blasphemous" to others. Of anything that I may read in the gospels, the Sermon on the Mount is the "snow" that slows me down. It is the teaching that gives me pause. It is the pill that is hard to swallow (if I may run with other metaphors) and the rumble-strip that wakes me up. It is my greatest conviction. On this road of life, I am running the race with agility and speed. When I peruse the Gospels, I read with ease and acceptance. When I come to the Sermon on the Mount, I am aware of my need for life-change. The snow sticks on my wheels and I slow down. I hear the words of Jesus, I look into His "upside-down" gospel, I realize the space between the example He set and the life that I live.
It slows me down... but that's a good thing.
I may not come in first place in this race. I can choose the snow-free lane. But I can also choose to run into the snow, be slowed down, and contemplate my next race.

Writing Retreat 3/14/11

Writing Prompt 1 (10-15 minutes): Describe the life of a nun. What does she do each day? What is her life like? Pastor Steve gave the challenge to take some "solitude" this week. Nuns live lives full of solitude and "God-space." Does the life of a nun appeal to you? Why or why not?

Write Prompt 2 (35-40 minutes): Write about a significant childhood friend. What role did he/she play in your life? Was this an advocate/confidant/play-mate/life-saver/etc.?

Women's Retreat Homework:

Living Proof. Let's be honest... not everyone feels like living proof. At least we don't feel like "living proof" every moment of every day. But the good news is that God is NOT FINISHED working on you. We may not be able to say too confidently that we are "living proof" in this life- but some day, we will say it loud, standing confidently before the Lord.
Jesus is in the business of redeeming lives. This is what He loves to do. So go ahead and dream for a moment. What would a proved/proofed YOU look like? How do you look differently now? What steps and changes need to happen to get you to that place?

if i were a bird...

"if I had the wings of a bird, I would fly away to my place of rest and be at peace."

this is one translation of a favorite scripture. what about you?

outside...

that's it... simple. so go with it.

i am waiting for...

all of us are waiting for something whether close to the present, far in the future, or past this mortal life. What are you waiting for?

stream of consciousness...

this is somewhat like brainstorming. Write down the first thought that comes to your mind and then just free-flowing write whatever comes after. Here's my attempt:

I feel like there's so much going on in my brain. It's hard for me to collect my thoughts and sometimes I wonder if I actually have a brain. That reminds me of the wizard of Oz... "if I only had a brain..." and if the scarecrow didn't have a brain then how did he sing and dance around the set? And if the tin man didn't have a heart he would be dead... duh. That's kind of a stupid movie. And it wasn't actually much like the book. I hated the movie when I first watched it. I think I was with Steve's wife or ex-wife... I forget her name now. The witch scared me with her giant balls of fire. I hated that she was green. And of course there was the tornado which terrified me and the storm shelter with it's wimpy, flimsy door... now we live in tornado alley and it doesn't give me much comfort to have a storm shelter in the backyard. Essentially it's a 7x7 concrete bunker with a rusty door, spiders, and a little 8 inch hole at the top for an oxygen supply. So what if a tornado comes, we're stuck inside, and a tree falls on the door and lands right on top of our oxygen? Or we are screaming and no one can hear us? I think we can get cell phone service down there... I need to cancel my T-mobile cell phone and get the cheaper account. Should we go with Boost Mobile or iWireless? Boost Mobile definitely has an incredible deal. But I want a cool phone... one that I can text and check email on. Man, our breezeway is a dump. I can't wait to have it finished so we can put the family room out there... and then landscape the yard. Those dogs are a pain in the ass.

Writing Prompts continued...

Hey friends- Sorry it has been a while. I will keep the writing prompts going again. Thanks for all of you who ask for it and keep my blog in mind. Happy writing!

Writing Prompt 1: Write in detail about your childhood home. Try to use your 5 senses to write about what it looked like, felt like, sounds you heard, tastes you experiences, scents you remember. If you had more than one childhood home, write about the one that immediately comes to mind- good or bad.

Writing Prompt 2: Write about your first memory of rejection. Describe how you felt and thoughts you remember having or promises/vows you made to yourself at that time. If you could live that moment over again, what would you do differently?