God is in Cancun

we arrived in Cancun around 10:30 a.m. on Friday. Being here 3 or 4 times, we basically know our way around so we took a cheap bus into downtown and walked several blocks to our favorite hostel. A lady named Edith (pronounced "e-DEETH") cleans the rooms and keeps the kitchen stocked and clean. We visited there several years ago when the children were little. The brightly colored rooms, hammocks, and $20/night bill made for a good stop on the way to our 5-star resort. Mostly, we want to give our children a good look at "real" life in Mexico. Even in Cancun, people live in poverty. As an honest resort host observed, room service and all-inclusive gluttony is not real life, it is "fake." The majority of the world is poor and lives in distress. Our family had our share of real life when the techno bar next door kicked on their all-night party. No lie. ALL. NIGHT. LONG. The drums vibrated the block walls, the strobe light flashed through the glassless windows. Around 1 am (somehow we had fallen asleep), I awoke in fear. The DJ was playing a "song" with a steady heartbeat rhythm, low groans, and screams. I felt like I was listening to a haunted soundtrack. So I prayed and prayed and prayed. I prayed for peace and safety. I prayed for the Lord to surround our room with angels of protection- to give us a miracle of sleep and joy. Gladly, our children were sleeping soundly.
At 3 am, Eric and I awoke at the same time, both of us laughing hysterically from odd, hilarious dreams. I was dreaming about some girl named Peg Pigswith... and something about a flock of geese (for some reason that was hilarious at 1 in the morning). Eric was dreaming about a marching band (I'm guessing the techno beat had something to do with that) and some girl trying to talk to the drum major through her trumpet mute. We shared our dreams and laughed together for a good half hour. At 5 am, the boys woke up frustrated with the loud music (seriously guys, it was like trying to sleep in the same room as someone beating on a full drum set!). We made up ridiculous stories about the music- maybe there was a guy stomping in the room above us. Or maybe Edith's washing machine was banging and she was just singing really loud. They giggled and giggled. It was good to laugh together. So the Lord gave us a miracle. He turned an extremely frustrating experience into fun and joy. We were tired but we were together.

Yesterday we spent the morning hunting for shark's teeth (I think we found around thirty so far) and headed down the beach to Cancun Palace. For sitting through a 90-minute timeshare presentation, they gave us a family all-inclusive pass to their resort (free drinks! free buffet all day!), and passes to 6 other expeditions. Tomorrow we will tour Tulum (ancient ruins), Thursday is Wet 'n Wild water resort, Friday is Isla Mujeres (Woman Island- hmmm...), next week is a speed boat Jungle Tour and Zip Line. It has rained the last few days but only for minutes at a time and then the sun returns. Yesterday a full rainbow stretched over the Caribbean Sea. I have never seen anything so beautiful... the ocean is azure, the sands pure white, the people bronze and kind. We are grateful, so grateful for the blessing of this place. It is good to be in the Lord's beautiful land. It is good to relax. It is good to be family.

once when i was in another city...

another city than the one i was born into... i fell in love. i splashed in foreign waters. i watched the eagles fly, the whales crest, the glaciers thunder. i found a hidden pond in the aspen grove. i found a hidden mountain on the skyline. i found a bird's voice, a horse's thoughts. i gave birth. i baked in the sun. i found myself.

if I were driftwood...

i would prefer a hot, sunny day. i would drift, enjoying the sun. soaking the sun. no worries of food or water. no worries of sharks, jellyfish, giant squid, tiny toe biters. floating across the ocean. or maybe a large lake. tossed by passing ships. flung by playful dolphins. i would float to a private beach. where brittney would find me, carry me home, and hang me on her wall.

my greatest blessing in life...

if the number 3 had a color it would be and why...

i have an opinion on this one (all numbers have colors...) - share yours!

in high school...

I'm pretty sure this one could go many directions :)

if i stood before God, i would say...

hmm... this one is from the book i am currently reading. i thought i would share it.
are there any other words besides, "I'm sorry?"

the smell of...

oregano smells like a horse barn to me. It reminds me of the county fair where i modeled the frog jumper that i made- sewed all by myself. where we watched the tractor pulls. where my cousin stole tobacco dip samples and secretly slipped them to me. i hid them under my bed and spit mint tobacco juice out of my window while doing homework. it reminds me of the toothless carnival workers who would shout out at the pretty teen girls, especially my cousin because she had big boobs. the cows and pigs, the grotesque abortion picture booths, the free fly-swatters and yard sticks. and horses. who stood still and bored in their stalls barely a.tune to the commotion going by or the little girls who reached cotton-candy sticky hands up to their velvet noses wishing she could hide away or ride away.

if you could see what i see...

trees changing into their winter clothes. trying on their autumn colors. they remind me of stability, constance, permanence, remaining. they move with the wind but are not uprooted. if you could see what i see you would see their translucent leaves glittering and dancing, shadows shaking on their wooden frames. if you could see what i see you would see something strong.

In the middle of the night...

black or red?

i wonder what would happen if i had the courage to...

live without fear and live without my mental hesitation and restriction. Truly, i am my worst critic, my greatest obstacle. I have had thousands of ideas, countless visions. i often wonder what my life would be like without me.

riding in the car...

alright, I'll start this one.

riding in the car the windows down. even in the middle of winter just to feel the wind. pierce through me, blow me away. scatter all that is within me, churn what is stagnated.

if i had no limitations i would...

physical limitations? financial? What would you do if there was nothing that you could NOT do? When would you do it? Why would you do it? Or would you change nothing at all?

In five years...

when i was 8...

go for it. Write. Can you remember back to that time?

The color of hunger...

Write about it.

What would you say about the color of hunger? Does the color also have a smell or a taste or a sound? Do you associate hunger with something? What?

Post your comments and tell me what you think...

Describe a bug...

This is one of my favorite poems:

"A bug is a bug like a person is a person."

Any ideas or thoughts about that one? Sitting at the soccer field one hot summer afternoon, my son pointed at the sky and said, "Mom, look at that bug." Now it was a dragonfly which is some kind of flying insect, probably. Technically. The point is, he would point to any small, crawling thing and call it a bug. Worm, spider, ladybug, fly, katydid. They are all bugs. So, describe a bug. Here's my best attempt:

A bug has more than two legs, spiny little thorny needle grasping leg things. So a worm is not a bug. Nor is a person a bug. Or a bird. A bug has a few eyes, but I'm not sure how many. Their eyes are usually bulbous and I don't think they have eyelids. I'm pretty sure bugs have wings but I think their wings fold back onto their back so, technically, butterflies wouldn't be bugs, I guess. I think bugs have an armor-like covering to protect them from predators but doesn't help so well that it aids against making that cracking crunching sound when they are stepped on. I think they have antennae maybe for communicating because I don't think they talk, or bark, or anything else. When I think of the word "bug" it usually looks something like a cricket, praying mantis, beetle kind of thing...

That's simply my bug-thoughts. Yours may vary and that's the point.
Now: describe a person.

A person has two legs... or does it?

the free store

come, all you who are thirsty. come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost.

why do you spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy?

these words are from Isaiah 55:1-2. i was thinking of them today... how is it that the hungry and thirsty can eat, drink and be filled (it says "delight yourself in abundance") without money and without cost?

read on... Isaiah 56 encourages the Lord's followers to "Maintain justice and do what is right...
read on... Isaiah 58. The Lord tells His people to "loose the chains of injustice... share your food with the hungry... provide the poor wanderer with shelter... clothe the naked... spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry... satisfy the needs of the oppressed"

share, share, share. spend yourself for the poor. be a rich blessing for those in poverty. do not save up and accumulate for your own comfort but bless and be a blessing.

eric and i are challenged by this... anyone else? any thoughts or comments? our God is A GOD OF THE LEAST

God's Politics- #2

so far, i am really enjoying the book. i am reading slowly because there is so much to think about- so much to "get." i just finished chapter 1 where he talks about "taking back" our faith. jim wallis says that he is actually politically conservative on issues of personal responsibility (which surprised me a bit) but adds, "the popular presentations of religion in our time (especially in the media) almost completely ignore the biblical vision of social justice and, even worse, dismiss such concerns as merely 'left wing.'" as he told the election around the time of the 2004 election: "God is not a republican. or a democrat."

so we need to take back the faith. mostly, take it back from so many people who have tried to use the image of Christ and the authority of scripture for their own selfish gain. i think we can all agree that that has happened and that something needs to be done about it.

"Take back our faith from whom? To be honest, the confusion comes from many sources. From RELIGIOUS RIGHT-WINGERS who claim to know God's political views on every issue, then ignore the subjects that God seems to care the most about. FROM PEDOPHILE PRIESTS and cover-up bishops who destroy lives and shame the church. FROM TELEVISION PREACHERS whose extravagant lifestyles and crass fund-raising tactics embarrass more Christians than they know. FROM LIBERAL SECULARISTS who want to banish faith from public life and deny spiritual values to the soul of politics. And even FROM LIBERAL THEOLOGIANS whose cultural conformity and creedal modernity serve to erode the foundations of historic biblical faith. FROM NEW AGE PHILOSOPHERS who want to make Jesus into a non-threatening spiritual guru. And FROM POLITICIANS who love to say how religious they are but utterly fail to apply the values of faith to their public leadership and political politics." (Jim Wallis, pg. 4 Capitals mine).

So Thin a Veil

So thin a veil divides
Us from such joy, past words,
Walking in daily life- the business of the hour, each
detail seen to:
Yet carried, rapt away, on what sweet floods of other
Being:
Swift streams of music flowing, light far back through
all Creation shining,
Loved faces looking-
Ah! from the true, the mortal self
So thin a veil divides!

- Edward Carpenter
(in memory of my son, Canaan 10/2/03- never have I been so close to death, so close to touch it. heaven was close enough to touch- like a thin veil. reach out and brush it aside. i love this poem)

God's Politics- #1

I am starting a new journey- controversial or no... I am going to read through "God's Politics" by Jim Wallis. Here, I will post some of my thoughts and findings as I journey through the book. Ironically, today is the National Day of Prayer. I haven't cared much for it or paid attention to it in years past... but since the recent declaration that it is unconstitutional... I have begun to think more about it. Is it unconstitutional? What are my thoughts about it. I know what everyone else is screaming... but I'm thinking it through. Today I opened my bible and an underlined verse hit me square: Romans 2:25, "the name of God is blasphemed among the Gentiles because of you (Jews)." So I was praying about that verse- understanding that so many people are screaming for separation of church and state because the church (or the "you" of that verse) is the reason for their demand. The church has wounded, wounded, wounded. So they are longing to separate and get rid of the church... to get rid of us. Why? Because we fail to lead with grace and love. SO, today I am praying in humility and repentance. Lord, I'm so sorry.

"God's politics reminds us of the people our politics always neglects- the poor, the vulnerable, the left behind. God's politics challenges narrow national, ethnic, economic, or cultural self-interest, reminding us of a much wider world and the creative human diversity of all those made in the image of the creator, God's politics reminds us of the creation itself, a rich environment in which we are to be good stewards, not mere users, consumers, and exploiters. And God's politics pleads with us to resolve the inevitable conflicts among us, as much as is possible, without the terrible cost and consequences of war. God's politics always reminds us of the ancient prophetic prescription to 'choose life, so that you and your children may live,' and challenges all the selective moralities that would choose one set of lives and issues over another." - Jim Wallis (introduction, pg. xix)

a night's ride to christianburg

i lay my head on my pillow and count the hours of sleep
that i will consume this night
i am riding the miles to christiansburg
on my bike
for precious pennycandy
4,5,6,7,8:30
five and a half savory hours
i grasp my crumpled paper bag and drop
6 cents on the counter.
i fall asleep with the taste of lemon heads
and swedish fish
on my lips

food

so my addictions as of late... avocado, string cheese wrapped in bread & butter, steamed beets, gatorade. no, i'm not pregnant... i have been eating and eating and craving the craziest stuff. starbucks' mango smoothie with soy and green tea macha. chipotle vegetarian salad with black beans and guacamole. zebra cakes. raisin bran with soy milk. dijon & walnut salmon with red, garlic mashed potatoes. hmmm... banana nut bread.

eric

what a gift, my husband. i spent so many years chasing other dreams, worrying about my future, trying to set things in order, never quite grasping it- so much unnecessary struggle and pain. what a gift, my husband. i found him like a gentle rolling on a lazy river. no great turbulence, no strife. he was there and then he was mine. and i am his. he is a hard worker. i've never seen anyone work as hard. bloody hands, sleepless nights, worn soles, scarred body. he is a man of grace and humility. he is a listener and a lover. he is patient with me. ever patient and ever forgiving. what a gift, my husband. i love him in the silence. no words worthy of such sacred space. he charms me with his cello-song and gentle whispers accapella. this is no anniversary, no special day. just a tribute and a moment- finding myself in awe, in wonder, and in love. what a gift, my husband.

the yard

it is spring here in wichita, Kansas. around my little plot of earth, the redbuds are in full bloom and small green shoots are sprouting up by the hundreds. i love spring in a new home. it is like upwrapping a present- waiting to see what life lies dormant beneath the dark soil. what little buds will peek up again this year? and i wonder how long they have inhabited their little spot in the yard- 10, 20 years? the previous owner was a garden-lover, that is clear. she planted ornamental grasses, grape vines, hundreds of flowering bulbs, and bushes. this year, i will add a few raspberry bushes, five burning bushes, and a vining wisteria, roses bushes, daisies, hollyhocks, and gladiolas. did i tell you that we have over thirty trees? we can finally use our hammocks and i plan to re-string the wooden clothesline. a few squirrels have snuck into the yard and the birds empty the feeders every single day. shado (the cat), hunches down in the grass below the feeders as a little soldier predator but he's much too fat to catch anything. he ran up a tree yesterday, running from the lawn mower, but only made it four feet before deciding that tree-climbing is not such a good idea. he just stuck there- all four paws dug into the hard bark- looking around anxiously- trying to get down- his fat belly spread out like a gray pancake. he tries to keep Teddy Bear, the neighbor dog, out of the yard. Teddy Bear is a huge St. Bernard and is scared to death of Shado. good cat. two weeks ago i found two little snakes in the backyard. i hear they're not too keen on moth balls so i bought three boxes and doused our house, sheds, and yard perimeter. now the place smells like ole folks and wild onions.

Palm Sunday

Palm Sunday. It's always one of my favorite times of the year. This, along with the darkness of Lent, the intentional time to remember the sorrow and suffering of Christ. How well I remember that Jesus identifies with human loss and human sorrow. Scripture calls him a "man of sorrows." I have been contemplating His deep agony. What it must have been like to feel so utterly alone. I believe that Jesus is God. He and the Father are One. So when he cried out, "my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" he experienced a full denial and abandonment of self as well. In my life, I have never experienced this complete abandonment. I have been abandoned by many people, and I have suffered... but I have always trusted and believed that God was with me... even if I have not felt Him. For me, it has always been a hope and a faith that I have held dear. But on the cross, Jesus did not even have that. God the Father had turned away. This is desolation, complete loneliness.
Jesus, I know I'm not much of a friend.
My Lord, it breaks my heart to think that you would experience such loneliness.
As much as I am able, I long to love you. I long to be near to you.
I cannot heal your heart, but I am open for you to heal mine.
I cannot save you from your deep sorrow, but you can save me.
I know that I am not much of a friend, but you are a blessed friend to me.
You are all things and we honor you this day.

Well, it's official (or almost official)- we are mailing our 'Christian Motorcycle Association' (CMA) application today. We attended our second CMA chapter meeting at Pizza Hut yesterday after church. Already, we love those people and their infectious, boastful, uninhibited zeal for Jesus Christ. Man, that's something that Eric and I had lost. Somewhere down the road we have forgotten (or purposefully neglected) what evangelism is all about. The chapter president, Carl, stood in front of the little hungry congregation and spoke loud for Jesus. No doubt, every patron, waitress, and fry-cook heard his message that day. So, Eric and I are excited to be a part of this organization. We look forward to long rides together, fundraising for other Christian organizations, sharing the love of Christ... and maybe Sturgis? (who would'a thunk it?!) It's fun.
One man there, they call him "Yosemite Sam," needed prayer for his heart. He had a transplant a while ago but his body is constantly trying to reject the implanted heart. He has been in and out of the hospital but mostly, he just feels like constant death is upon him. So pray for Sam... but also consider... why would the body reject a heart? Does the body NOT know that the heart is the life of the body? The heart sustains everything! It sustains the blood that nourishes all of the other parts... what foolishness for the body for reject such a friend! I'm sure you understand that this is such a great parallel for our human condition in Christ. Christ is our heart, our sustainance, our life-blood. So why do we reject Him? Why does our simple flesh strive to push Him out- to squelch His healing?
Just wondering.
And just another thought: I met a woman named Kasey. She was bound to a wheelchair, her hands crippled, her head moving unstable like a newborn child. I met her after hearing this great commotion in the basement where we were preparing to lead worship for a Young Life staff meeting. Two grown men were carrying her down the stairs, another man carried her wheelchair... all of them giggling like elementary children. Kasey was laughing hysterically at how these men were carrying her... all struggling and lop-sided.
After worship, the group launched into spontaneous prayer... and then Kasey prayed. She asked the Lord for the strength to be a witness for her unsaved family. She prayed for her parents, and her sister- that they may see the light and love of Christ in her. She simply said, "Lord, please be glorified in me."
She didn't pray for herself. She didn't ask for healing. She didn't want a restored body. She prayed for the grace to be a witness for Christ in her current state. What an amazing testimony to me- and everyone sitting there.
I thought about heaven. Here we sit- all souls wrapped in varying flesh. Some beautiful women were sitting in the crowd- full of fashion and jewels... and pride, no doubt. Kasey sat in a broken body, in a wheelchair. Who will have the more beautiful soul in heaven? Who will spend eternity in a more radiant restored body?
Just a thought.

Dreams

This is quite in response to my sister's blog. She posted five or six big life dreams which turned me on to my own dreams and aspirations. So here they are:

* to teach (secondary education preferably)... either english/lit./poetry or therapy or bible (new testament).
* to travel the world (plans are already in the making for 2015). but, of course, the Lord directs our footsteps.
* to raise these two boys well enough that they will grow-up strong enough to turn around and forgive us for all of our mistakes.

many have asked about recording contracts, stardom/fame, Nashville, success... and I wonder what success is. To me, on most days, it is simply falling into bed with dishes loaded into the dishwasher... and my teeth brushed. I love singing, I love traveling, I love being with my family, I love sitting still and quiet on a warm day. This is success... following Christ and enjoying the beauty of the moment. Living for others... growing into kindness, compassion, self-control, self-confidence, grace, forgiveness... this is success to me.
being patient with my children,
falling more in love with my husband,
these are my dreams.

Towers and Battles

Eric and I are huge Lord of the Ring fans. Over the last week, I have been watching the Appendices documentaries for The Two Towers and the making of the movie. The behind-the-scenes info is simply my favorite part of the story. Did you know that Viggo (who plays “Aragorn”) broke his front tooth and two toes during the second movie? Did you know that Orlando (who plays “Legolas”) broke two ribs when he fell off a horse? Did you know that the filming of Helms’ Deep took about four months of filming- only during night hours, midnight after midnight, in the rain (real or artificial), in the cold, in the mud, in sixty-plus pounds of costume?
Why would these actors subject themselves to the torture of the elements, the hypothermia, the broken bones, the long hours, the hell of Hollywood movie-making? For what, fame? Money?
At one point, one of the stuntmen said that he risked his life for the opportunity to be in this movie. It was a “once in a lifetime opportunity,” he said. But could it be that it is more than that? Could it be that everyone involved: actors, office workers, stunt doubles, food prep people, make-up artists, directors, etc., felt that they were part of this grand “story” that looks something quite like the Christian faith?
I admit that I was a bit ashamed, if not convicted, that I often lack the same “want to” (as Pastor Steve would say), stick-to-it stamina that gets me through this grand adventure of faith. Following Jesus is the greatest, most wonderful, hardest, most soul-stretching story that one could ever play through. It’s hard! There will be long, long nights, broken bones, rain and wilderness, intense battles.
This weekend, Pastor Steve’s message resonated with me when he said, “There will be towers to build and battles to fight,” based on Jesus’ story in Luke 14:28-33. Okay... towers and battles... I’ve been watching hours of L.O.R. documentary. I’m there! And he’s right. This is one GRAND story, one amazing adventure that we are blessed and so thankful to be a part of. Will we take the broken bones... sure. Will we stand with Christ in the spiritual trenches- mud up to our knees, rain-soaked through to the core... absolutely. Because it is this great adventure... this great STORY that pushes us forward. It started before time... on through to the garden... on through past prophets and rulers... a small gathering in an upper room... martyrs... the twentieth-century faithful... on to an unknown future... into glory and forever. What a story.

The quote that follows is from the documentary. It sounds a bit like faith, does it not?

“Viggo had this sort of slogan written on a piece of paper above his mirror and it was, ‘Adapt and Overcome.” That sort of philosophy was central to how a lot of us coped with working with Lord of the Rings. Everyone’s gonna have their time when they just go, ‘I just wanna give up’ but never to the point of going, ‘I don’t wanna do this.’ I suppose it’s the same old saying, ‘If it was ever easy, everyone would be doing it.’ In all its parts, it was a tough, sometimes frustrating, but always rewarding experience. You know, it was a big, rolling adventure. Sometimes it was, you know, a juggernaut, that you’re all on top of. You’re holding onto the reins, this thing feels completely out of control but you’re just trying to ride it out. And you look back on it all wondering how the heck you got through all of that work, but you did.”

And we look back upon the expanse of life and see the towers built... and the battles won.
And wouldn’t we work and fight all over again?

Friends, brothers and sisters, keep on.

Prayer- Richard J. Foster

in my endless battle with prayer, i picked up Richard Foster's book entitled "Prayer- finding the heart's true home." i woke up wednesday morning feeling a bit homeless, considering we just moved from cincinnati and our family at northminster (that's not quite home anymore).. and just settled into a fresh life in wichita (with boxes stacked to the ceiling and the newness of it all- it's not quite home yet). so we're in this strange middle place of homelessness. so i went to the Lord in prayer, and as the book's title suggested, found my true home. here is an excerpt from the introduction that ministered to me:
"For too long we have been in a far country: a country of noise and hurry and crowds, a country of climb and push and shove, a country of frustration and fear and intimidation. And he welcomes us home: home to serenity and peace and joy, home to friendship and fellowship and openness, home to intimacy and acceptance and affirmation.
We do not need to be shy. He invites us into the living room of his heart, where we can put on old slippers and share freely. He invites us into the kitchen of his friendship, where chatter and batter mix in good fun. He invites us into the dining room of his strength, where we can feast to our heart's delight. He invites us into the study of his wisdom, where we can learn and grow and stretch... and ask all the questions we want. He invites us into the workshop of his creativity, where we can be co-laborers with him, working together to determine the outcomes of events. He invites us into the bedroom of his rest, where new peace is found and where we can be naked and vulnerable and free. It is also the place of deepest intimacy where we know and are known to the fullest."

moved in today

Yesterday was our first Sunday here in Wichita- HOPE Community Church. It was amazing. Pastor Steve took a break from his teaching series to teach on the reason for having a Pastor of Worship Arts (that's Eric). He told the church three things: 1) Eric is NOT the music messiah. 2) Let Eric be Eric. 3) Give it time. He then gave Eric some fatherly advice- ways to care for himself, his family, and the congregation. It was sweet, powerful, and perfect. Eric spoke, introduced himself, made us laugh, was deep and tender, and endeared the congregation to himself. He was eloquent and wonderful. After, the church anointed and laid hands upon him- commissioning him for this new leadership role. The church brought TONS of groceries for us- a table that was overflowing- bags and bags of groceries (root beer, pumpkin pie, hot sauce!), decorative cakes, gift cards...
After church we were invited to the CMA (Christian Motorcycle Association)'s monthly meeting at Pizza Hut. Truly, it was incredible. The place was full of bikers who love Jesus. They gathered around one member and laid hands on him- right in the middle of the restaurant. We are excited to be a part of that ministry.
Today, we unloaded the storage facility, loaded trailers, unloaded trailers, and loaded our house full of the stuff we really don't need. Our new house cannot accommodate much of the stuff we brought here... oh well... there's always Craigslist. The boys love their new rooms- I love the new kitchen. Everything turned out so beautifully.
Some of my plants didn't make the trip out here- they're a bit sad looking. Wilma Jean and the pink flamingo made it just fine but our concrete dinosaur arrived with his head smashed to bits.
A good friend, Eric Bowen, just happened (I don't believe in coincidence) to be in Wichita for business this week. He brought Chinese food for the whole moving crew to our house and visited for the evening. It was a blast to see him again. We talked a lot of Jerry & Julie Franks (man, we really miss them) and reminisced of old Beggarman times. Good memories. Good friends.
I will post some new pictures soon... thank you for all of your prayers and phone calls- we are doing great. Love you all.
b.

a long goodbye

wow. these last few weeks (or months!) have been the best and greatest and hardest of times. a HUGE thank you to our friends and family at northminster - we were hugged, cried over, blessed, and showered with love/prayers/gifts. what an amazing time. during one of our many goodbyes i whispered a silent "thank you" to the Lord for pouring His love over us through such wonderful friends...
today we are in st. louis. the boys (all three) are downstairs swimming and i am taking some quiet recuperating time. driving out here this morning, the snow was shimmery and beautiful on the trees. it was quiet and calm. today i feel peaceful.
tomorrow we head to the City Museum after a free HOT breakfast (with belgium waffles, donuts, eggs, bacon, danish, juice, coffee- whoo hoo!)
talk at ya soon
b.

Shado

this morning came with plenty of bottled emotions. since they regularly disguise themselves as anger, i was walking around venting and spewing all over the family. then our cat, Shado, left the house and disappeared. understand, Shado and i have a sweet little relationship. he's my buddy. whenever he sees me he tilts his head and makes this sweet little throat greeting over and over again. i just love him. so i went outside and called for him. i walked around the street for a while and listened for his collar bell. then i sat down on the front step and cried. the emotions came easily enough. i prayed for him to return but mostly, i just wept. suddenly i heard the little bell. he ran right up to me and greeted me sweetly. i carried him down to the basement, laid down on the floor, and had myself a good cry-out.
i'm sad today. the reality of one more week in cincinnati. my void mother who wants nothing to do with me. my sweet father who is heart-broken. the grandparents i leave behind. my baby sister. my fears of the future. my apprehensions of wichita. our new house which is out of my control and foreign. my friends.
i hate my hair.

just an update

For Kaden's 5th birthday, Eric took him to Mammoth Cave (and Dinosaur Park, of course!). Keane and I spent over four hours at the Wright Pat Air force base Air Museum. It was amazing. We watched a lot of videos of WWI and WWII- Hitler, Pearl Harbor, the Wright Brothers (who are my distant cousins... go figure). We spent the evening with my Dad and Keane watched the Wizard of Oz for the first time in his life. Dad and I just laughed and laughed...
He doesn't want to talk much about Kansas. I can understand. I know it is killing him that we are leaving. He and I have been together forever- bound in this unspoken understanding that we will always be together. Plus, now there are these three boys that he adores... my heart aches because of this.
We visited Papaw on the way back to Cincinnati. He has been lying in the same bed for over six years now. He definitely recognized me and was all shining when I walked in. He smiled and laughed a little when I told him about our Air Force museum experiences. We watched an old western with him (Keane's 1st western!)- complete with shoot-out and hanging. Keane thought it was cool.
We leave for Kansas in just over a week. I am ready.

little provisions

days like today... i'm so angry and confused and hurt and tired. and i keep thinking about God's love like a downpour- His goodness overflows. i had a wonderful time with some dear friends last night and i am SO thankful for that. i am blessed by my family at northminster and the family that awaits us in wichita. what a blessing. i keep thinking about a scripture... but i forget where it is... it says that the Lord carefully leads those with young and He carries the lambs close to His heart. Eric had taped that scripture to the side of a bookshelf- I remember reading it over and over again when Kaden was an infant and I would rock him all through the night-
i feel the Lord leading us. He has been so close, such a good friend and father.
our new house in wichita has well-water which was tested for safety but still makes me a bit nervous. so i stared looking at water purifiers, deciding that we needed to invest in something when we move there. last night, at Rich and Debbie Jones' house, Debbie walked into the kitchen with a box in her hand. She asked, "Do any of you ladies have a need for this water purifier? it was my moms but she never used it- it's brand new." yea, God? Absolutely. He cares about the little details in our lives. He is so close.
so the ladies and i were all talking about the Lord's goodness and the strange little miracles that bless us along life's journey. i was reminded of a time 8 years ago. My granny had died not long before that and i was missing her. i took a walk through the autumn woods and talked to her out loud. it was an amazing spiritual experience. i felt her and knew she was listening. later that evening, after our concert, i returned to our van to find a crystal light-reflecting globe hanging from the rear-view mirror. Noone knew who placed it there but it was just like the one in Granny's living room. together, she and i would watch the light cast rainbows on the walls. now i'm sure she didn't come down and put it there herself, maybe our concert host just put it there to bless us... but the timing was perfect and i knew that it was a little gift from the Lord to remind me of his nearness and the nearness of our loved ones... this "great cloud of witnesses."
Two weeks ago we visited wichita. In the basement of some new friends there was a painting just like the one that hung in my granny's living room. I commented on it because I always loved the picture and remember it warmly. it's just one of those memories that bring back so many other wonderful memories along with it. i hadn't thought of it in 15 years or more. just seeing it brought a smile to my heart. today after kaden's birthday party, my dad had a trunk-full of gifts for us to take to wichita. he said, "i was just thinking that you might want this..." and pulled out that exact painting. "This hung in granny's living room for as long as i can remember," he said. Of course i remembered... i had just saw it two weeks before. i had to smile... i know the Lord put that on my dad's heart to give to me... I will treasure it forever because it means happy times in my life, and the nearness of my heavenly father. he cares about the small details in our life. yea, God? Absolutely.
So that's a little bit about what's going on with me. i'm not so angry and hurt anymore. why was i hurt in the first place? it's a long story. but for now, i'm doing great and am thankful for such peace and blessing. my father is good. Yea, God.

poetry for today

(i wrote this 2 years ago but it still applies today)

Almost Aborted

this is my abortion
29 years- a long time coming
Now she doesn’t want me.
Somewhere abandoned
in a field
kicking around in my own blood
only for a while.
Now she doesn’t want me.
29 years too late
I will Not die.
I am lifted and cleansed
wrapped in silk adorned with jewels
by the hands of women
women with lips of sugar
validating my birth
blessing
my life
if only
they were so lucky
to have a natural-born daughter
such as me

T.I.C.C.

jeff hosmer gave a little insight into a page that he keeps titled: T.I.C.C.B.G.C. (things i can't control but God can). a friend of mine called on tuesday evening. seems there was a massive earthquake in haiti. thousands of people were trapped under rubble. piles of children's bodies lined up along school buildings. an entire hospital collapsed to the ground. her son, trenton, was in that mess somewhere. he is 19. he went down to haiti for a mission opportunity. the airport was devastated. cell service was minimal. violence was rising.

the haitian people blamed the american God for angering their god causing the earth to tremble. not a good day to be an american in that land.

today is thursday. he is alive and well but still in haiti. earthquake? death? redemption? looks like there are some things that we can't control- simply praying that God can.