Shado

this morning came with plenty of bottled emotions. since they regularly disguise themselves as anger, i was walking around venting and spewing all over the family. then our cat, Shado, left the house and disappeared. understand, Shado and i have a sweet little relationship. he's my buddy. whenever he sees me he tilts his head and makes this sweet little throat greeting over and over again. i just love him. so i went outside and called for him. i walked around the street for a while and listened for his collar bell. then i sat down on the front step and cried. the emotions came easily enough. i prayed for him to return but mostly, i just wept. suddenly i heard the little bell. he ran right up to me and greeted me sweetly. i carried him down to the basement, laid down on the floor, and had myself a good cry-out.
i'm sad today. the reality of one more week in cincinnati. my void mother who wants nothing to do with me. my sweet father who is heart-broken. the grandparents i leave behind. my baby sister. my fears of the future. my apprehensions of wichita. our new house which is out of my control and foreign. my friends.
i hate my hair.

just an update

For Kaden's 5th birthday, Eric took him to Mammoth Cave (and Dinosaur Park, of course!). Keane and I spent over four hours at the Wright Pat Air force base Air Museum. It was amazing. We watched a lot of videos of WWI and WWII- Hitler, Pearl Harbor, the Wright Brothers (who are my distant cousins... go figure). We spent the evening with my Dad and Keane watched the Wizard of Oz for the first time in his life. Dad and I just laughed and laughed...
He doesn't want to talk much about Kansas. I can understand. I know it is killing him that we are leaving. He and I have been together forever- bound in this unspoken understanding that we will always be together. Plus, now there are these three boys that he adores... my heart aches because of this.
We visited Papaw on the way back to Cincinnati. He has been lying in the same bed for over six years now. He definitely recognized me and was all shining when I walked in. He smiled and laughed a little when I told him about our Air Force museum experiences. We watched an old western with him (Keane's 1st western!)- complete with shoot-out and hanging. Keane thought it was cool.
We leave for Kansas in just over a week. I am ready.

little provisions

days like today... i'm so angry and confused and hurt and tired. and i keep thinking about God's love like a downpour- His goodness overflows. i had a wonderful time with some dear friends last night and i am SO thankful for that. i am blessed by my family at northminster and the family that awaits us in wichita. what a blessing. i keep thinking about a scripture... but i forget where it is... it says that the Lord carefully leads those with young and He carries the lambs close to His heart. Eric had taped that scripture to the side of a bookshelf- I remember reading it over and over again when Kaden was an infant and I would rock him all through the night-
i feel the Lord leading us. He has been so close, such a good friend and father.
our new house in wichita has well-water which was tested for safety but still makes me a bit nervous. so i stared looking at water purifiers, deciding that we needed to invest in something when we move there. last night, at Rich and Debbie Jones' house, Debbie walked into the kitchen with a box in her hand. She asked, "Do any of you ladies have a need for this water purifier? it was my moms but she never used it- it's brand new." yea, God? Absolutely. He cares about the little details in our lives. He is so close.
so the ladies and i were all talking about the Lord's goodness and the strange little miracles that bless us along life's journey. i was reminded of a time 8 years ago. My granny had died not long before that and i was missing her. i took a walk through the autumn woods and talked to her out loud. it was an amazing spiritual experience. i felt her and knew she was listening. later that evening, after our concert, i returned to our van to find a crystal light-reflecting globe hanging from the rear-view mirror. Noone knew who placed it there but it was just like the one in Granny's living room. together, she and i would watch the light cast rainbows on the walls. now i'm sure she didn't come down and put it there herself, maybe our concert host just put it there to bless us... but the timing was perfect and i knew that it was a little gift from the Lord to remind me of his nearness and the nearness of our loved ones... this "great cloud of witnesses."
Two weeks ago we visited wichita. In the basement of some new friends there was a painting just like the one that hung in my granny's living room. I commented on it because I always loved the picture and remember it warmly. it's just one of those memories that bring back so many other wonderful memories along with it. i hadn't thought of it in 15 years or more. just seeing it brought a smile to my heart. today after kaden's birthday party, my dad had a trunk-full of gifts for us to take to wichita. he said, "i was just thinking that you might want this..." and pulled out that exact painting. "This hung in granny's living room for as long as i can remember," he said. Of course i remembered... i had just saw it two weeks before. i had to smile... i know the Lord put that on my dad's heart to give to me... I will treasure it forever because it means happy times in my life, and the nearness of my heavenly father. he cares about the small details in our life. yea, God? Absolutely.
So that's a little bit about what's going on with me. i'm not so angry and hurt anymore. why was i hurt in the first place? it's a long story. but for now, i'm doing great and am thankful for such peace and blessing. my father is good. Yea, God.

poetry for today

(i wrote this 2 years ago but it still applies today)

Almost Aborted

this is my abortion
29 years- a long time coming
Now she doesn’t want me.
Somewhere abandoned
in a field
kicking around in my own blood
only for a while.
Now she doesn’t want me.
29 years too late
I will Not die.
I am lifted and cleansed
wrapped in silk adorned with jewels
by the hands of women
women with lips of sugar
validating my birth
blessing
my life
if only
they were so lucky
to have a natural-born daughter
such as me

T.I.C.C.

jeff hosmer gave a little insight into a page that he keeps titled: T.I.C.C.B.G.C. (things i can't control but God can). a friend of mine called on tuesday evening. seems there was a massive earthquake in haiti. thousands of people were trapped under rubble. piles of children's bodies lined up along school buildings. an entire hospital collapsed to the ground. her son, trenton, was in that mess somewhere. he is 19. he went down to haiti for a mission opportunity. the airport was devastated. cell service was minimal. violence was rising.

the haitian people blamed the american God for angering their god causing the earth to tremble. not a good day to be an american in that land.

today is thursday. he is alive and well but still in haiti. earthquake? death? redemption? looks like there are some things that we can't control- simply praying that God can.